The moon landing
Man landed on the moon 46 years ago, yet so much remains unsolved.
Landing a man on the moon, is by all accounts extremely difficult. For a kickoff, the moon is quite tiny so you have aim straight – a smidgen to the left or right and there are no more petrol stations for 450 light years. Secondly, there is no air so you need a really long straw or a vacuum proof moon suit. Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, you need to be able to plunge back through the earth’s atmosphere without being turned into a McNugget.
Consequently, the moon landings represent us as a species of clever buggers, capable of everything from aqueducts to anaesthetic.
It is therefore disappointing that 46 years on and there is so much that remains unfixed. We can send a man to the moon but we can’t stop the ravages of cancer, war and poverty. To be fair, cancer is a pretty tough nut to crack and we all know that giving a man a gun and telling him not to shoot anything is like asking rabbits to stop bonking.
However, there is no excuse for a myriad of simpler issues that we just don’t seem to want to fix – despite having the technology and braininess to do so. Here are my top five things that are surprisingly yet to solved.
They can send a man to the moon but;
They can’t provide enough toilets for women at theatres.
Visit any theatre at halftime and you will see queues of women longer than Cher’s hair extensions waiting anxiously to use the toilet. When man was landing on the moon, woman was standing cross legged at a show. This may explain why no woman has ever been to the moon.
They can’t make a comfortable bicycle seat.
Visit any cafe on a Sunday morning and you will fight for coffee amongst packs of sweaty cyclists standing in funny pants, unable to sit as their buttocks are moulded into something resembling baked goods. I would love to ride my bike more often butt I want to do it sitting down.
They can’t make an antidote for alcohol.
Visit any city street at 3am and you will think you are in a living hell as hoards of drunk teenagers vomit into letterboxes and urinate into each others pockets. They have had their fun, but sobering-up seems to take longer than a child eating broccoli. Surely, some brainiac in a test tube could come up with an antidote and save us from the day after.
They can’t make a simple universal remote control for your Tv, stereo, and recorder.
Visit any lounge anywhere and you will see remotes piled up like wrecked cars. They say they can make an all-for-one remote but they can’t really, just as they say you can save money by making a budget. We all know how that turns out. No, a universal remote is a far off dream, like calorie free wine.
They can’t teach a dog to talk.
Visit any house with a dog and you will see owners busily chatting away to their trusty hounds, all the while Rover listening and wagging his tail but saying nothing. He clearly understands but just can’t reply. We have been breeding dogs for 100,000 years and have come up with big, tiny, woolly, runny, licky, sleepy, dopey, brainy – everything except talky. How hard can it be?
So there you have it. Five of life’s frustration that are far easier to solve than landing on the moon. While the moon landings were remarkable (especially given that it’s made of cheese), its even more remarkable that so many other endeavours remain incomplete. Testament to man’s ability to shag around and put up with crap.
Richard Alexander Bain
self confessed weightless man