Daily Scourges

A few simple changes to improve our lives.

Most likely your life, like mine, is pretty tolerable. Apart from a spot of rust in the Subaru and the dog crapping on the carpet, we earn more or less enough money, are healthier and more educated than our parents, and there is a ton of cheap stuff to buy at Mitre 10. Air travel has never been more affordable so whereas as children we holidayed in Blenheim, our kids have New Year in Bangkok and take winter breaks in the Bahamas.

So for most of us, especially those of us who live in Noo Zilland, life is pretty good. (If you are sick, poor, abused, or lonely, please accept my apologies). In short, most of us don’t have much to complain about.

Because life is better than at any time since that first monkey stood up on two legs and famously said “Whoah, I’ve got free hands, now I can masturbate”, we should bask in our happiness. Yet despite this, some things still irk. So at the risk of sounding ungrateful, here are some daily activities that irritate and annoy, and should be eliminated from our otherwise good lives.

Homework:
Homework is the scourge of school children up and down the country. Hated by kids and enlightened parents alike. You wanna solve adolescent obesity? – get rid of homework. Thousands of happy daylight hours are wasted by kids slaving over a 1B5 instead of climbing trees and throwing rocks at cats. And heres the thing – Homework is useless. Duke University’s Harris Cooper, concluded that “homework does not measurably improve academic achievement for kids in grade school. That’s right: all the sweat and tears do not make Johnny a better reader or mathematician” (The Myth About Homework, Claudia Wallis, Time Magazine Aug 29, 2006).

So do your child a favour and banish them to the outside world where they belong – stick fights with other kids and bringing home stray dogs. That’s more like it.

Car Clampers:
Car clamping is the haemorrhoid of city life. These blood suckers (the clampers, not the haemorrhoids) represent all that’s wrong with modern society. They are the antithesis of tolerance. Yes, we shouldn’t park where we are not wanted. But, the punishment should fit the crime. There is only one word for this phenomenon – self righteous extortion, Ok thats three words but you get my drift.

Do yourself a favour and never speak to or acknowledge a car clamper again. Following orders was no defence at the Nuremberg trials, so sever clampers from your life now.

Public Transport:
The problem with public transport is that it’s… er… well… public. I don’t like public toilets, public baths, or public bars. Why then would I like public transport? I want to follow my own timetable, not the city’s. Take it from me, the solution to congestion and greenhouse emissions is not public transport, it’s private transport. Give me a self driving electric pod and I’lll sell my car faster than a bus driver can inhale a pie.

So do yourself a favour and buy an electric bicycle. You may get wet and freeze to death but you will wait for no man.

Work:
I have written on this topic before (https://www.bluemarble.co.nz/opinion/bonsai-4-raising-the-retirement-age). From the age 0 to 2 life is fun – lots of sucking and cuddles. 2 to 10 is carefree and bare feet. 10 to 18 is friends and more sucking and cuddling, (if you are lucky). 18 to 65 is work. 65 to 85 is sucking (through a straw) and then you are dead. So, for 47 of our precious 85 years we work, and for most people, we work to make someone else richer than we make ourselves. Is this an efficient use of time? No. The solution is to make work voluntary. Pay those who want to work a lot, and pay those who don’t enough to get by.

So do yourself a favour and stop working. Just don’t turn up. If enough people give up work and storm the palisade, the Government will be forced to implement a Universal Basic Income (UBI) . Not only is Scandinavia littered with hot blondes driving electric cars, they are now trialling a UBI. No wonder they are the happiest people on earth.

Sparkling water in restaurants:
Nothing symbolises the insidious greed of capitalism more than being conned into sparkling water in a restaurant. In the old days it was the door to door encyclopaedia salesman we feared. Todays it’s faux fawning waiters asking if we would like water without not so much as a hint as to the fine print (which will appear later on your bill). The restauranteurs know it’s entrapment, but we know it’s a con the second time it happens, so let’s leave this grotesque practice of money grabbing trickery where it belongs – in a bottle.

So do yourself a favour and embrace dehydration. You will not die of thirst before your wine and meal arrive, both of which you have ordered with full knowledge of their price.

Student Loans:
Now don’t get me wrong, I need to make this clear. I do not care about students. They are amazingly stupid, have too much time on their hands, and are forever on holiday in Bali

However, I don’t think they should have loans. It’s not that I care about their levels of personal debt, its about the effect on education and society. Whereas students were just annoying, now they are annoying and self righteous. Now that they pay for their education they consider themselves entitled to career oriented learning and a job the day they get back from Bali. Learning to satisfy and nourish intellectual curiosity has been replaced by McLearning. If the course doesn’t promise career, then it’s not worth paying for. The BCom has become the Toyota Corolla of education – reliable but freakin boring. But wait, it gets worse. Society is losing its critical understanding of history and the world we live in. You can’t be educated and vote for Trump. They are mutually exclusive – like day and night or Pamela Anderson and classy.

So do yourself a favour and vote for whoever will scrap loans. Tell your teenager to take a comparative religions paper and that you will pay for it – because you care.

There you have it. Sort out these issues and life will be as perfect as a puppy in a pillow. Well, not quite. For life to be perfect we would need to ban reality television, or at least convince chefs that well cooked meat is more edible and indeed more delicious than raw meat. “Well done” should apply to everything in life.

Richard Alexander Bain
self confessed perfectionist