Covid & work – the answer
Covid & the meaning of work
Lockdown is over and Covid is slowly revealing an uncertain future. However, one thing I know for sure about the nature of future work is that Zoom will not be in it.
Not Zoom, not Skype, not Teams, not two honey pots connected with string. Covid forced us inside to a world of soft furnishings and baked goods but despite the temptation of TV and a fridge full of cold sausages, we endeavour to work – work harder than ever.
Because we are social beings (unlike librarians), we like to socialise and communicate face to face. In a lockdown this was problematic. Some of us resorted to ‘coronavirus prostitution’ whereby we stood on street corners trying to solicit conversations. Others were forced into the world of Zoom. Now let me be clear about this, communicating with anyone about anything via Zoom is terrible. Even two years on, it’s crappy. It’s like trying to talk to an Octopus in a fish tank.
So if Zoom isn’t the future then what is? Well, I’ve given this considerable thought.
The future is to stop trying. Let me explain.
Instead of faffing about with the ‘can you hear me’ carryon, just turn your computer off, make yourself a sandwich and go for a walk. Don’t worry, you will still be paid, because, and here is my brilliant idea, you will receive a permanent wage subsidy. Forever.
Now before all you right-wingers start frothing from your wallet and call me ‘comrade bonsai’ just hear me out.
Working from home really means part-time work. The simple reality is that working from home is not as productive as being at the office despite everyone pretending otherwise. It’s not. However, people like working from home. No meetings, no annoying workmates, all-day snack hours, oops it’s raining I’d better bring in the washing. What’s not to like?
What we need to do is just accept that work is now a part-time occupation. People should work from home if they wish and we should accept that the government should pay a weekly subsidy. This solves all of our problems. We finally get the leisure time we were promised back when computers entered our pen and paper lives.
Now of course all you Act supporters will immediately fall about with shouts of who pays? Ah, I’ve thought of that. The rich people will pay. They will pay the government a new ‘people rich automobile tax’ (PRAT). It will work like this.
Last year there were 12,500 new European cars sold in NZ (including 10 Rolls Royces, 52 Bentleys, and 30 Ferraris). Now as we all know, European cars are not just expensive to buy, but they depreciate faster than a man leaving a bridal shop and break down more often than Meghan Markle.
What this means, and of course, we all know this, is that if you can afford to buy a new European car you are rich. No sane person would spend that kind of money on a depreciating asset unless it was spare cash. And because these people are a) rich, and b) stupid, we should simply tax their cars to pay for the wage subsidy. My so-called PRAT tax. There are about 2.5 million people in NZ who earn $100,000 dollars or less, so if we paid them all $400 per week, that’s bang-on a billion dollars a year. That’s a mere $80,000 per European Car!
This PRAT tax is a winner and should immediately be adopted by all parties, including ACT who will surely want to bask in the glory that its members will be responsible for the greatest socio-economic revolution since Marie Antoinette said “I’m feeling a little dizzy”.
So there you have it. NZ will not just have a reputation for being cleaner and greener than a Brussel sprout in a bath, we will be the envy of the working world.
Richard Alexander Bain
self confessed taxman