Café Noise
Are our cafés, bars and restaurants too loud?
In a number of my opinion pieces I have referred to the issue of noise in cafés, bars and restaurants. Given that the fat man in the red suit will soon be upon us, it is timely that this subject be revisited.
From my experience it is becoming increasingly obvious that there is no such thing as a quiet drinkery or eatery. Visit any café anywhere anytime and your ears will be assaulted as though being boxed by a mad monkey. Glance around the room and you will notice pained punters huddled together like penguins in a blizzard – faces reddened with misery.
I would have thought that food and ambience are secondary to the primary purpose of convivial conversation, yet café operators feel compelled to assault us with noise that could curdle a sausage.
But before I get into details, a weeny bit of science about noise.
Noise is measured in decibels (dB) but it’s a logarithmic scale so the numbers are confusing. In terms of our perception of loudness, an increase of 10 decibels is perceived to be twice as loud. For instance, standing next to a vacuum cleaner (70 dB) is twice as loud as listening to your wife chatting about her busy day (60 dB – assuming you are listening).
As a general rule anything over 85 dB can cause hearing loss. Anything over 120 will melt your face.
So to make this easier I have compiled an easy to understand scale that I used to assess the noise in cafés, bars, and restaurants.
50 dB – quiet-ish and pleasant, the gentle murmur of fellow patrons.
70 dB – loud-ish, Ok for now but soon I will be desperately fumbling for my car keys.
80 dB – friggin loud and unpleasant, I am yelling at my friends.
100 dB – a jumbo jet is in the room, kill me now – and kill the DJ while you are at it.
Using my trusty scale, I recently visited a number of cafés, bars and restaurants armed with my iPhone noise app and the sly furtive disposition of a spy. This is useful, as instead of relying on my own subjective impression (noise seems to decrease when a beautiful women walks into the room), I can apply some objective science.
My findings are as follows. I have not mentioned the names of any establishments as I don’t want my letterbox set on fire.
Thai restaurants (approx 65 dB) were generally quiet and relaxed (unlike the octopus). Background music was typically of a soothing nature – low volume pan flute medleys, the sort of thing you hear in lifts or at the dentist.
Cafés (approx 75 dB) were generally relaxed with customers chatting away happily, although patrons tended to not stay for long as the caffeine quickened their impulses. Music in these cafés tended to be far louder than appropriate given nature of the activity. Your heart is racing fast enough after a short black without having a pulsing bass pound you into Arrhythmia.
Restaurants (approx 85 dB) that are modern and uber cool (a vast ocean of polished concrete and walls covered with someone else’s junk ) got progressively louder and louder over the course of the evening as the punters and music competed for domination. The waitresses spent more time turning up the volume control than turning up to my table.
Bars between 5pm and 7pm (approx 95 dB) were so loud that conversations were not possible unless your nickname was foghorn. Feigned haughty laughter the order of the day. Smokers lurking outside were the only ones in conversation. Deafness or lung cancer but you couldn’t have both.
Bars between 7pm and 12am (approx 80 dB) were generally deathly quiet as all the men had gone home to their WAGS. The remaining women (I don’t know why they didn’t have to go home), maintained a chatty demeanour in spite of the lights being dimmed and music progressively being raised in anticipation of the midnight curse (see below).
Bars between 12am and 3am (approx 110 dB) were so loud that my ears began to bleed. You cannot tolerate this kind of noise unless you have no brain – hence the bars were full of teenagers. Needless to say my stay was brief as I had no desire to further experience what it must be like to be trapped inside an ipod.
Summary. We have many cafés, bars and restaurants in which to socialise with friends, but if you want to talk to them then invite them round to your house. (even though asking them to leave when you’ve had enough can be socially awkward).
The sad part in all of this is that excessive noise is so unnecessary. Owners need to understand that patrons are not there for their food (delicious as it may be, one remembers the company, not the coquillage). Patrons are primarily interested in social intercourse. The decor and atmosphere merely the pallet on which to chat – ambience achieved with subtlety like Mona Lisa’s smile, or Lionel Messi’s jink.
So take it from me, a baby boomer who represents 25% of the population, a generation retiring with time and money. If you want our custom then TURN DOWN THE MUSIC and line the walls with egg cartons (free range).
You heard it here first – Quiet is going to become the new cool. Serenity now.
Richard Alexander Bain
self confessed hard of hearing