Self Help Books

So do self help books really help?

As the new year advances faster than seagulls on a sandwich, we are optimistic, if not darn perky about the year ahead. We make resolutions about exercise and diet, desperate to reinvigorate what once never sagged. For us blokes we dream of a thick head of hair and a bank account bigger than a bison’s bollocks, and Mrs Bain wishes to wake up with lipstick intact, breath like lavender. And of course we would like to have awesome personalities to boot. We imagine others hanging on our every word, laughing at our brilliant effervescent wit.

Unfortunately, this 2016 fantasy is somewhat removed from the 2015 state of play – bald, flaccid and poor. Clearly there is much to do.

To assist with our transition from soggy mess to perfect buns, we turn to self help books to help ourselves. To seek external help would be to show weakness at a time when we look to exhibit strength. Therefore, armed with freshly minted cash we trawl for books that will shower us with simple DIY answers.

But do they work?

One thing that is clear is that authors of self help books appear pretty happy. Big selling Paul McKenna is so happy he is thinking of changing his name to Larry. One of his principle mantras to achieving a lifetime of happiness is to help others. Mr McKenna is doing this by living in his squillion dollar Californian mansion, presumably thereby achieving happiness by helping gardeners, painters, decorators, and pool boys. I admire his gall.

So, the first piece of advice from self help books in achieving health, wealth and happiness is to write your own self help book. I am considering doing this as I feel I have much to offer.

Self help books have common themes. They suggest that if you wake up early sipping green tea, then jog through a squirrel laden park (being careful not to step on the squirrels), slug back a slug and kale smoothie for lunch, all the while being ‘mindful’, you will grow thin and rich. Just to be sure, you should also set some goals, such as to be thin by Saturday, rich by Xmas, and drunk by sunset. Surprisingly, abstinence from alcohol is by and large excluded from self help books, presumably because self help authors know how book sales can be adversely affected by suggesting the removal of pleasure.

The problem with all of these books is that they are counter intuitive to human reality. Self help gurus are asking us to do things that we spent two million years evolving to avoid. Just like the way yoga retreats require abstinence from sex during camp – it’s just not natural. It’s called downward dog for a reason.

Therefore asking us to wake early and power up is just not right. Men evolved to sit about. An enemy attack could occur at any moment so us males must be ready to defend. We can’t be all tired out and weak from mowing lawns and sweeping paths. Women too did not jog or write lists. There were berries to collect and children to scrub. The closest they got to a smoothie was the nice looking bloke from the next village who gifted them a dead rabbit.

So let’s get real here. Self help books will get you nowhere. You are only setting yourself up to fail as the self discipline required for success melts away from you like the chocolate fingers you crave.

My suggestion for success is that you follow a few simple easy-to-live-by rules.

Firstly, lie about your age. I look fantastic if you think I’m 75 – ‘so young looking, such smooth skin’.

Secondly, buy a lotto ticket every week. Think of it as a symbol of hope. Every week you can be optimistic and confident that tomorrow you could be rich.

Thirdly, become a secret eater. In public, order the dust and water salad, but when you get home tuck into the cold sausages like your life depends on it. Which it does because you will be eating so little in public.

Fourthly, mix with people who are poorer than you. Let them be envious, not you. If can’t find anyone poor then mix with old people. They will be rich but you will feel good knowing that their money is about to be of no use to them.

Fifthly, practice mindlessness. Do whatever you feel like without thought. Ironically this will enable you to live in the moment, as you won’t think beyond the current mindless act.

So there you have it. Enjoy 2016 with unrealised expectations. Just lower your standards and you will happier than a monk on a mountain or a puppy with a stick.

I will go now and turn my five simple rules into a best selling self help book. I can’t decide whether to call it ‘Drink And Become A Bitch’, Rich Dad My Pad, or Your Erogenous Zones – Let Me Show You.

Richard Alexander Bain
self confessed self helper