Bucket Lists

Welcome to Bonsai – the latest of my miniature opinion pieces.

Its a new year and time to plan the things we want to do. Many will bring out their bucket lists but I’m suggesting something far more satisfying. A fuckit list.

As time marches on like a herd of runaway elephants searching for a circus, many of us start to realise that there are many things we would like to do. Hence the bucket list. The commitment to dreams and activities before we rot in the ground quiet and lonely, save the occasional sound of our children murmuring above our graves on Christmas Day.

Inspired by Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson in the film “The Bucket List”, many of us make urgent plans to jump out of aeroplanes and learn a language, if only to aller en France et dire que je peux parler un peu de français (go to France and say I can speak a little French).

Now while bucket lists inspire us to do the things we always wanted, I find myself contemplating all the things I don’t ever want to do. My so called ‘fuckit list’.

Let me give you some examples.

I would really like to give up eating sugar – nah fuckit. It almost certainly won’t kill me.
I would really like to teach my children how to manage their money – nah fuckit, they are old enough to look after themselves.
I would love to a walk across Russia – nah fuckit, I would get sore feet.
I would really love to lose weight – nah fuckit, I like the name fat bastard.

You get the idea.

The beauty of the fuckit list is that it is liberating. The moment it’s on your list it’s gone. Not like a sunrise or a coldsore, more like virginity.
By creating an extensive fuckit list you free yourself from the tyranny of failed expectations and create a hell of a lot of free time. Suddenly, with list in hand, you are able to sit on the couch and watch TV – lots of it. You can even close the curtains on a sunny day, “I would like to get more fresh air – nah fuckit”.

Personally, I think the mantra of “must live life to the fullest before I die” suits the motivated and wealthy. The motivated and poor can achieve much but their bucket list is limited to free activities close to home. The unmotivated and rich can just get really really fat, secure in the knowledge that medical insurance will keep them alive.
The unmotivated and the poor are the real winners in my treatise, as they are freed from the burden of disappointment. They can relax and smile knowingly to themselves as the rest of society run about like excited piglets towards the friendly farmer holding an axe.

Richard Alexander Bain