I’m Not A Fascist, But
When I am dictator there are going to be a few changes.
The great thing about democracy is that Donald Trump will never be dictator. Neither will I. This is a good thing. Despite democracy’s shortcomings, its singular greatest strength is that no one gets to stay in the top job. When leaders start to believe in their own superior wisdom, the electorate tells them that it’s time to go.
Of course, the downside is that good stuff often doesn’t get done because politicians will always listen to the insipid conservative demands of ‘the good folk of this great nation’. Paris just wouldn’t be Paris if weren’t for the fascist street works of Napoleon III and his trusty sidekick Baron ‘ get out of my way’ Haussmann. In contrast, London is an incoherent mess as it evolved with a series of girls and boys with funny hats who had no actual power.
In New Zealand, we too have had a dearth of dictators, even though Muldoon gave it a good shot. Unfortunately for him, he had a couple of shots too many one night and was kicked to touch. Consequently, urban design in New Zealand has suffered from a lack of totalitarianism. This is especially frustrating for architects who would love nothing more than to take to our cities with a massive boulevard or two.
Ironically, the design professions have been handed a chance for redemption with the Christchurch earthquake. Unlike 19th century Europe, Christchurch offers an opportunity for some good old-fashioned totalitarian design, without any poor having to be bulldozed from their homes (and some people say there is no God). The tension between the left and the right over the shape of Christchurch is obvious to see. What is less obvious is how the outcome of Christchurch will ultimately set the tone of design politics for the next 30 years.
However, I digress. My point is, that while in my mind designers must be ever vigilant of their own autocratic tendencies, given the chance of becoming dictator there are a few matters I would take into my own hands.
Firstly, I would throw all chewers of gum into jail. Why? Take a look at our footpaths. Our cities are beautiful. We have nicely designed buildings, strict signage rules, Gucci site furniture and of course lovely paving – sandstone, bluestone and granite purr beneath our Italian soles, yet the whole thing is covered with discarded chewing gum. It is an eyesore that we simply can do without. Don’t spit, swallow – with any luck it will kill you.
Secondly, I would revoke the requirement to wear helmets while riding a bicycle.
The reason for this is bleedingly (pun intended) obvious. Making people wear cycle helmets means that many will never ride a bike. Yes concerns about hat hair are shallow, but nonetheless we want people to ride their bikes – it’s healthy for them, it’s healthy for our cities. Let people undertake their own risk assessment of whether to wear a helmet or not. If they don’t and they are hit by a bus, then I am more than happy for your taxes to pay for their surgery. At least they were giving it a go.
Thirdly, and lastly (I’m about to have my head removed by the revolting proletariat), I would introduce a new rule that cafés and pubs must not play any music. Again, the reason for this is pretty straightforward. We have all gone to a lot of trouble to create vibrant cities with a good smattering of cafés and bars, all designed to attract the cool, as well as people like me. However, for some reason unbeknown to anyone with a modicum of common sense, loud doof doof music blasts from these venues, quickly followed by their hard of hearing patrons. The point of such joints is that they are places for people to meet and greet. They are places for talking, not yelling. So although café owners may say that I don’t know what I am talking about, and that they should decide what their cafés are like, not me, they are missing the point of fascism. If I am dictator, I will decide – so turn down your bloody stereo!
So there you have it – my first 3 changes when I become dictator. I would not wait for 100 days either – these would happen before lunchtime! I could of course add many more. For example, I have not dealt with the issue of mandatory wearing of bikinis in summer, and yes there are other matters to consider, such as taking money off the rich and giving it to the poor. But as they say, its the small things that really matter.
So vote me in and I will never leave – you will almost certainly live to regret it, but then again, how cool is Paris?
Richard Alexander Bain
Landscape Architect & self confessed urban critic
New Plymouth