Putin you bastard

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Putin you bastard

Putin is a bastard, and I think I know why. There appears to be some serious conjecture about Putin’s height. There is no public record of how tall he is but there are references to him having lifts in his shoes and a propensity to stand next to children for photographs. This would rather seem to point to Putin being short. 

Now here are some other short men that you may be familiar with – Mussolini, Napoleon, Hitler, Stalin. Do you see a pattern? That’s not to say that all short men are evil little bastards – for example, Michael J Fox is a fine pint-sized fellow as was Mahatma Gandhi who fought off the British with nothing more than an ill-fitting nappy.  But, you have to admit – would Putin have attacked Ukraine if he was six foot four? I doubt it. All this talk about wanting the Soviet Empire back and denazification of Ukraine is just a self-deluded rouse. What Putin wants is to be taller. 

So herein lies the solution to the war. While the Ukrainians fight for survival – and let me be clear here, the tragedy befalling Ukraine is heartbreaking and beyond tragic, the only way to finish this terrible carnage is negotiation, and in particular negotiation with Putin himself. 

Now as it happens I get the feeling that Volodymyr Zelenskyy is thinking the same way that I am. Zelenskyy has repeatedly called for a direct meeting with Putin – because Zelenskyy’s cunning plan here is to literally stand up to Putin and when he does, Putin will realise that standing next to Zelenskyy he is tall – Zelenskyy being a short arse himself. The difference is that Zelenskyy has high self-esteem and by all accounts seems to not only be the bravest, but also the smartest bloke in the world. No doubt his comic background also qualifies him to deal with morons like Putin, as comedians seem to be pretty good judges of character and are invariably liberal-minded. When was the last time you heard of a fascist comic?

This brings me to my next political solution – the USA. Anyone with a brain is terrified that Trump could get elected in 2024 because having that prat as president again will be the end of democracy in America, and will usher in a time darker than the inside of his underpants. 

To prevent this, the USA needs to take a leaf out of the Ukrainian playbook and elect a comedian. A few names spring to mind who in my opinion would be perfect for the job. First on my list is Dave Chappelle – the thinking mans’ comic. If you’ve heard his joke about Hillary Clinton you will know that he would undoubtedly pick Halle Berry as his running mate. My second choice would be Wanda Sykes – funny as hell and sharper than all the Supreme Court justices put together, and she also has a French wife, so pillow talk will be cement transatlantic bonds.  Third choice would Jon Stewart – King of the Daily Show and an insightful political analyst – and piss taker. Jon could run rings around anyone. Give any of these three a chance and America really would be great again, and a lot funnier. Let’s admit it, the USA always has been a tad serious so electing a comic to the white house is long overdue.

So let’s give comics a go, Volodymyr Zelenskyy is proof that being a funny man is no laughing matter, but we wish him well against that evil little bastard Putin. Many may disagree with my hypothesis about his motives, but what else could explain such imperial madness?

Richard Alexander Bain
self-confessed six-footer