The Queen is dead
Welcome to Bonsai Blog – (opinion that’s smaller than it looks)
The Queen is dead. Long live the King (unless it’s Chuck)
Queen Elizabeth is dead. For us baby boomers this was a sad albeit inevitable occurrence. Like waking each morning to find that gravity has dragged your buttocks a little closer to the floor.
The thing we loved about the Queen was that she played by the rules. Always polite, impeccably mannered, and ever so posh, even though she is was only the Queen by the good grace of us the people. She undoubtedly knew that if you piss off the masses it’s curtains. Queen Elizabeth not only spoke French but was aware that they knew many things – how to make a crusty croissant, the weight loss benefit of cigarettes, and that if royals get uppity you march them down to the town square and cut their heads off to hurrahs of Oh lā lā.
So behave she did. Speeches, white-gloved waves, a spot of self-effacing humour, and always happy to meet and greet on rainy days in Scunthorpe. We also grew up with her. Queen Elizabeth represented post-war optimism and modernity (being young and female) and for those marvellous years from 1945 to 2020, we held hands with our Queen in a new age of peace and prosperity. What makes her passing so poignantly sad is that like her reign, our postwar abundance is also over. Climate change, Covid 19, Ukraine, and inflation have ripped our peacetime harmony apart like a stingray barb through the heart (RIP Steve). The Queen’s death was the lowering of the flag on our baby boomer bliss.
So where to now? Just as our future now looks shakier than a one-legged giraffe, so does the monarchy’s future. Charles is now crowned King – but don’t tell me that you are not just a tad worried that he’ll be about as effective as a dog doing your dishes.
Of course, we feel sorry for Charles. His upbringing was lonely and forlorn. School was unpleasant, to say the least. If the infamous pubic school buggery wasn’t enough, imagine being called ‘wing nut’ every day by your waistcoated chums. No wonder he fell for the horsey Camilla. At least when she said lets “go for a ride” it didn’t involve any sixth formers called Ramsbottom. However, sympathy aside, I’m not sure Charles is right for the job. This leads me to a much better idea, one that would engender the same impact and optimism that ensued when Elizabeth first put on her crown, looked in the mirror and muttered “this suits me rather well”.
My ‘save the monarchy in one brilliant move’ is this. Chuck should abdicate, throw a skip pass over William, and crown Prince George as a child King. George is currently nine and the PR value of a child King goes without saying. Firstly he will be wildly popular. Who doesn’t love a cute kid? Secondly, a whole generation will grow with him following his every move from Transformers to Trousers. I presume his Twitter handle would be @BoyGeorgeII. It would be like the Truman Show but really real. The media would also love him. “King George loses crown at school camp” and “KG sentences nanny to death for making him go to bed.” “Gorgeous George pashed by marauding teenage girls on the way to Physical Ed”.
The newspapers would be in profitable print for at least 80 years.
George would also be assisted by his somewhat capable younger sister Charlotte who would keep an eye on him during playground fracas. If some snotty kid dubbed Monster Markel Boy tried to give him a kicking, Charlotte would no doubt step forward and present a polite but forthright backhander. We’re not too sure of Louis’s capabilities yet but presumably, he would ride shotgun in this triumvirate of Royal coolness.
So there you have it. With King George at the helm, Britain would be a mighty Lion again as tourism would boom to become the greatest income earner since Maggie Miggins woke up in 1650, rubbed her weary candlelit eyes and exclaimed “I feel like a cup of tea.”
.
Richard Alexander Bain
self-confessed Royal